Most women have no idea of their power to wound men”. Jay Carter, Psychologist
As a man reflecting on his life after five decades of living, I like to think that I have transcended the needs of ego, and yet I know that I haven’t. In truth, few men ever evolve past ego needs; no matter how long we live.
The seat of a man's soul is his intent or purpose; men respect hopes and dreams
Traditionally, girls have been judged by their appearance and personality; conversely, boys are evaluated by their deeds or accomplishments. Our heroes have performed mighty and heroic acts. In order to accomplish these acts of heroism, men have had to commit to a purpose. In short, a man must have a mission and a dream. A man without a mission is a lost soul. While men must spend time following the vision of their dreams, women tend to live in the world of here and now. When a woman fails to honor the man’s dream, he feels wounded.
Man has been taught to understand literally, and to discount feelings
Men are taught that the pursuit of the goal is the important thing and a real man will overcome feelings of fear, anger, depression, or loneliness to achieve a worthwhile purpose. Feelings that get in the way of the goal are to be ignored. As a boy, whenever I fell down and skinned my knee, I was taught to get up and rub some dirt on it. Other acceptable responses were to laugh or to immediately seek revenge against the person that pushed you. I was certainly not encouraged to express my feelings of pain. When a man hears a woman talking about her feelings, his first reaction is to tell her to ignore it, to get over it, and to do something to help accomplish her purpose. However, women are not normally as purpose-driven as men.
Men want acceptance
One of the most prized characteristics of a man's friendship with other men is total acceptance. This is also why most men need same sex friends and love dogs. Women judge men by their potential and in a very real sense view them as a home-improvement project. Women often express their love for a man by helping him to be a better person. In all honesty, most men don’t want to be a better person, men just want total acceptance. When a man chooses to change, it is usually in association with the fulfillment of his dreams. He is not highly motivated to long term change in order to become what a woman perceives to be a better person, especially if her idea of a better person is isolated and disconnected from his perceived mission in life. A woman’s effort to improve a man feels like a shot to his self esteem and it is hurtful. When a woman constantly attempts to encourage a man to continue to improve, the man will often conclude that there is nothing he can to do to please her. At the point of that realization, the man usually chooses to devalue the woman’s opinion until it doesn’t matter. Paradoxically, however, men need and want the approval of a woman. Thus, a man who has discounted the value of the opinion of one woman will usually begin to look for another woman who sees him in a more favorable light. Herein lays the root cause of most broken relationships.
When a woman understands that a man needs to be pursuing his dream, that he is not particularly in touch with feelings, and that he longs for acceptance and approval, she can begin to use this knowledge to help her to align her needs and his goals in a harmonious manner. Woman should understand that the man’s dream is his essence and that she will not be able create a successful relationship with a man whose dream she does not support. She must look for ways to align her needs with his purpose by speaking the literal language of achievement and by not over-dwelling in the world of feelings. While men can certainly learn to understand and validate the feelings of a woman, if her intent is to motivate change, the use of the language of feelings will not advance her goal. Women should realize that a man’s evolvement will never be graphed as a steadily rising line, she must allow for plateaus of acceptance. There should be periods of time when the man feels that he has successfully climbed the cliff of improvement and reached a plateau of the safety and total acceptance.
Read More on Suite 101: The Woman's Guide to Becoming Completely Loveable & What Women Should Know about Man's Archetypical Self
Sources:
Farrell, W., Ph.D. (1986). Why Men Are the Way. New York: McGraw Hill.
Carter, Jay, Ph.D. (1979) Nasty People. Chicago: Contemporary Books
Lance Morton - Lance Morton is a writer, hypnotists, personal fitness trainer, and the author of Mentally Create your Ideal Weight.
